i don't believe in regret. there is no point regretting things ... what is done, is done, and can't be changed. it was meant to be, so let it go. that's my general philosophy on regret.
how ever, i have just entered the last year of my thirties and i've been reflecting back on my life thus far. i've discovered i have regrets - plenty of them.
i regret my twenties - yip, pretty much that entire decade of my life. how precious my twenties were, and how much i squandered them. that's what i regret.
by the age of 30 i had not had a healthy relationship or a decent job, saved any money, travelled, gained any qualifications, had children or adventures. i did have a lot of very bad relationships, frittered away any money that came my way, failed at my studies, indulged in a lot of self-destructive behaviour, and had all the emotional intelligence of an 18 year old.
the crowning glory of my twenties came when i was 29 and had an affair with a married man. that affair damaged a marriage irreparably and left me nursing a broken heart for years. i still feel some guilt over this and probably always will. how ever, i can tell you that man has just embarked on a very happy second marriage and he and i - after not speaking for six years - are now close friends.
this affair, at the very end of my twenties, was one of the defining moments of my adult life so far. when he left me i was shaken out of my lethargy ... i realised i had to START LIVING.
and the good news is that when i look back over my thirties, there's far less to regret and heaps more to be pleased about. i became a journalist. i travelled overseas three times. my financial situation could be better, but it's okay! i've had two healthy relationships [not at the same time!]. i became a stepmother. i stopped drinking alcohol and started exercising. i've discovered my spiritual path and my creativity. i'm so much more confident and chilled out i can barely recognise myself.
i wonder if my thirties would have been so good if my twenties hadn't been so bad? so may be there is no point in regretting those wasted years. may be they had their purpose.
any way, i hope this is a continuing trend. imagine how great my forties are going to be!
+ + + +
photo by anne-marie emerson
snow on the outskirts of whanganui
any way, i hope this is a continuing trend. imagine how great my forties are going to be!
+ + + +
photo by anne-marie emerson
snow on the outskirts of whanganui
august 2011
5 comments:
I think you're tough on yourself, Anne-Marie - you've always been a SPECTACULAR sister, whatever age you've been! But it was interesting looking at the pattern you describe, because, although we appear to have had very different life trajectories, I would describe the same thing: disastrous twenties with a crisis at 29, compelled in a new direction in my early thirties, with a strongly positive turning point around 36. And then forties, which were the most glorious and productive of years (and fifties also appear quite good so far!). It's all ahead of you, sister of mine - enjoy these years! I love seeing you so happy, and happy in whom you've become :-)
L
I am days away from 40 myself and I found this really interesting to read. I think as we get older we learn things and don't make as many mistakes, therefore less regrets? I don't know... anyway you wouldn't be the Anne-Marie we know and love today if you didn't live life the way you have. x
I'll be 40 in December. :)
For some of us, we're on this path of growth for our entire lives. Whatever karma has led to this, I think we can only be grateful.
It might mean that we're always on one learning curve or another, and that we fuck up more regularly than the next person. But I'll take it any day.
Personally I don't like to think of my life in terms of "regrets" as such. I think that can be destructive and damaging. It is good however, to review what we've liked and disliked and find acceptance for ourselves and others. No matter what.
My teen years sucked dog's balls. During most of my 20's I was asleep at the wheel, and handing over my personal power to whoever would take it. My 30's have been characterised by trauma, loss, grief, growth and spiritual development on the bullet train.
As I head towards my 40's, I've a good idea of who I am now. Like, really. And I'm in a much better place in terms of self-acceptance (as well as acceptance of others) than I've ever been before.
I doubt very much I ever would've been able to find such self-acceptance without going through the absolute lows of my life - the sort of changes that have left me with very few illusions in life. This is very freeing.
I do think there's a purpose to all this "stuff" for people on the path of the dharma. Sure, it's a road to nowhere, but that way lies freedom, right?
I guess right now there are many things that i regret and will come to regret...but at the end of the day a lot of them are things that, if i am truly honest, are beyond my control
you just have to make the most of what you have, i guess
Thank you Lisa, Katherine, Svasti, and Hungry Pixies for your kind and thought-provoking comments. Hope you all have a great week!
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